SUPPOSITORY FOR the SOUL

Linus' Magic Blanket

2012-01-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

Taliban Blowup Doll

2010-04-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

Hey, Good Lookin'

2010-02-13T17:40:00.000-08:00

Whatcha Got Cookin'?

How's About Cookin' Up Somethin' For Me!

A Pick UP

2010-02-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

Wienie Roast

2010-01-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

Decisions, Decisions

2010-01-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

I'll Have Some of Everything...

...But Which Do I Have First?

An Inconsiderate Woman

2009-12-05T12:51:00.001-08:00

You come home after a long, hard day at work.

You really hope that your unemployed, and not so intelligent wife, at least has cooked some friggin dinner for you.

You struggle to get up the steps, find the key, open the door to your residence, and then, you find your wife sitting there on her ass, eating dinner, that she has cooked for HERSELF ONLY...!

Unbelievable..! She has been home all day long,
and she couldn't even cook you some damn dinner.

You think to yourself, why the hell did I marry her, anyway....?

Oh, yeah...now I remember!

Thanksgiving Feast

2009-11-26T19:58:00.000-08:00

Feast Your Eyes on This Bird!

Decisions. Decisions.

Breasts or Thighs?

You and Your Dirty Mind

2009-11-22T11:53:00.000-08:00

Air Conditioner Maintenance

2009-10-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

How to Check Your Car's Air Conditioner - 3 steps

1. Start the engine and roll up the windows.

2. Turn on the A/C put the fan on Hi

3. Put the tester in the car.

*
*
*
*
*
*

Ah yes! It's working.

Dessert

2009-09-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

If We Could Read Minds

2009-08-23T19:24:00.001-07:00

Click image to enlarge print

You're Pulling My Leg

2009-08-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

Some men are born to lead ...

...And some will only follow!

Night Crawler

2009-08-08T19:57:00.000-07:00

I Promised Her That One Day I Would Buy a Mop!

If things Meant Just How They Sound

2009-08-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

Victoria's Secret

2009-07-16T18:09:00.000-07:00

It had been one helluva hot date ....

the promise of uninhibited of sex left you breathless ...

anticipating her emergence from the bedroom ...

to change into something more comfortable ...

until she appeared in a sheer nightgown ...

wearing nothing underneath it ...

the light behind her revealing ...

...

everything!

Inner Space

2009-06-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

To boldly go ... where no man has gone before!

Go Fish

2009-06-08T19:06:00.000-07:00

In Specially Marked Boxes of Pepperidge Farms Goldfish

A Free Gift

Red, White & Blue

2009-05-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Hazard of Kissing at a Nude Beach

2009-05-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

If You Visit a Nudist Beach,

Always Be Friendly;

But Never Act Stuck up!

I Read It In The Nudes

2009-05-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

No Nudes Is Bad Nudes

Handful

2009-05-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

Guess What I have In My Hands

A Matter of Perspective

2009-05-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

Heads Up

2009-05-02T21:42:00.000-07:00

A Good Beer Should Have A Nice Head

May Pole

2009-05-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

As Was Custom On the First Day of May,

The Women Would Climb the May Pole

Juicy Fruit

2009-04-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

To get one of these ...

You'll need one of these.

...And You Were Thinking?

2009-04-15T19:58:00.000-07:00

Get your mind out of the gutter!

A Beautiful Smile

2009-04-04T07:10:00.000-07:00

Talk About a Lovely Smile ...

Thing a Thong of Thixpence

2009-02-23T22:12:00.001-08:00

Are Brazilian Thongs Too Small???

Click on images to enlarge (if you feel you need to...)

I ask again ...

Are Brazilian Thongs Too Small???

I didn't think so either.

The View From Here

2009-02-22T15:52:00.000-08:00

~You need to look up to your girl.

Communication

2009-02-14T07:54:00.000-08:00

"What we have here is a failure to communicate..."

What's New in Fantasy Sports?

2009-01-21T19:05:00.000-08:00

I've been playing Fantasy Football since the mid eighties.

At times I've even participated in Fantasy Baseball, Fantasy Basketball and even Fantasy NASCAR.

But Fantasy Hay Rolling?

Where do I sign up?

Twenty Bucks

2009-01-18T19:01:00.000-08:00

Blowing Money

2009-01-15T14:42:00.000-08:00

A Hot Meal

2009-01-10T17:16:00.000-08:00

I Fired My Fairy God Mother

2009-01-09T17:08:00.000-08:00

(Click image to enlarge.)

Pajama Party

2009-01-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

When I invited a few of the neighbors over for a pajama party,

They ruined all my pillows.

They said they they were sorry and would make up for it -

They would do anything I asked.

Should I let them off that easy?

Self-Help Manual

2009-01-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

Hitchin' A Ride

2009-01-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

A Little Known Fact:

You Can Get

Picked Up

For

Hitch Hiking.

If You Pick Her Up ...

Just Who Gets

To Ride?

A Perfect Match

2008-12-30T12:11:00.000-08:00

When playing the club scene ...

It is advisable to be honest with potential pickups.

Tree Trimming "Tips"

2008-12-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

After decorating the tree, I had two ornaments left over. The remaining branches weren't strong enough to support them.

Now where do you suppose I finally found the perfect place for them?

Perspectives

2008-12-21T21:04:00.000-08:00

He liked the back door method ......

...... She liked to watch.

Tiny Tim

2008-12-20T09:58:00.000-08:00

God Bless Us, Everyone!

Santa's Coming

2008-12-09T23:30:00.001-08:00

Do you realize how long it takes
to find out who's gonna be naughty
and who's gonna be nice?

Give Her an Inch ...

2008-11-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her but I thought it would be a cheap night for you.

A Dumb Beach
A blond is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds, "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean!"

Condolences
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.' He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'

More Bang For the Buck
A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist
$1,000 to put a $100 bill on his Willie. The artist agrees,
but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, " I have my reasons which I would rather not
tell right now".

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while
he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill
on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know
the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would
have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for
putting a $100 bill on his Willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons:
"First, I like to play with my money.
Second, I like to watch my money grow.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand;
And fourth, and most importantly, the next time my
wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."

A Christmas Carol

2008-11-14T22:23:00.001-08:00

You want to go caroling?

You want to sing "Baby, It's Cold Outside"?

To hell with the song!

Baby, It IS Cold Outside!

□ □ □

Let's go inside

And get something

Warm on you

AND

Something HOT into you!

Of course I meant clothing and coffee!

(Wink-Wink)

Flight Preparation

2008-11-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

When the Trick is the Treat

2008-10-31T18:38:00.000-07:00

Tow Job

2008-10-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

The three most common uses of the male penis are:

(1) To urinate

(2) To copulate

(3) To play with

What do you suppose the the 4th is?

(4)Guidance

Except for the missing rolling skates, this man has stolen my idea for a Halloween costume:

A Pull Toy!

The Check Up

2008-10-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

This is one of my original cartoons:

Don't Give Me Vodka

2008-09-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

Make it tequila.

TILA TEQUILA.

It Could Be Worse

2008-08-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from Africa.

So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself,
Remember:
Going through life is hard enough, but to go through life looking like a dick with buck teeth must be horrible!

It Stinks to be Pink

2008-07-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

One of but a few remaining flocks of plastic pink lawn flamingos.

Union Products, Inc., of Leominster, Ma., filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy last week. The company has defaulted on its bank loans. President and majority owner, Dennis Plante, cited that the financial strains were due to rising plastic resin and energy prices, as well as a loss of financing.

Among Union Products creditors is Donald Featherstone, the man who first designed the plastic pink flamingo in 1957. The Fitchburg, Ma. resident sculpted the original from clay using National Geographic photos of the birds as his models. Court documents showed that he was due $340,819 from a business loan.

His original design was still in use up until the bankruptcy proceedings began. Said Featherstone, "They were the same styles as the originals that were made back in 1957. In fact, they still had my signature on their butts."

While similar plastic pink flamingos are currently being manufactured by other companies, the Featherstone species is doomed to become extinct.

Just how many of these iconic creatures may still be in existence across the country is any one's guess. To help raise awareness of the demise of these flightless plastic flamingos, one company is selling t-shirts and other products to raise money for the protection of the birds and their front and back yard habitats.

Elsewhere in another related story, environmentalists are becoming concerned over a perceived decline in the number of still another plastic critter.

The plastic squirrel, once seen in many poses, seems to be losing its natural habitats to a growing increase in the number of green plastic frogs.

You WERE Warned!

2008-06-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

Rosanne Nude
This is her ex-husband's idea of a plump tomato?

This picture is linked to a post at "It Occurred To Me" titled: "Attack of the Killer Tomato".

Hillary's Desperation (XXX)

2008-05-30T22:13:00.001-07:00

Hillary is desperate to become

the next President of the United States.

However ...

She's had a few problems trying to
achieve her goal while on the campaign trail.

She is arrogant.

She has lied.

We all knew that

Snipers don't miss!

So if snipers wouldn't fire upon her ...

She became one!

So her fellow Democrats
gave Hillary her own sniper rifle:
Careful kid, you'll shoot your eye out!

Her campaign is in trouble ...

She's broke.

Desperate times ...

Call for desperate measures:

If that fails ...

She'll have to

Pull out all the stops!

With her back against the wall...

She'll have launch an all out salvo.

So

Remember,

It's not who you know ...

It's

who

you ...

Surf 'N Turf

2008-05-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

Ladies ....

You thought it was safe

to go back in the water again?

Guess What?

It isn't safe on land either!

Nature's Viagra

2008-03-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall.
One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?" asked Ben.

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all around the bull's nose.

The bull got a rip roaring boner and immediately jumped on the cow.

Ben was impressed. That night, he got into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lay sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it was nice and wet, rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"

She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

The Butt of the Joke

2008-03-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

Nice Piece, Huh?
To return to the linked post you were reading CLICK HERE.

Presidents In Oz

2008-03-12T14:36:00.000-07:00

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado....

And off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City...
...and went to find the Great Wizard

"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

"I've come for some courage."

"No Problem!" said the Wizard, "Who's next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said:

"Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done! Says the Wizard."

"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said,

"The American people say that I need a brain."

"No problem! Said the Wizard.
Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do YOU want?"

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

Asleep In Seattle?

2008-02-05T21:53:00.000-08:00

I was told this was an EYE TEST.

I was instructed to study the photograph for at least
five (5) seconds and then point out Seattle's Space Needle.

Alas, I might need glasses.

To be safe, I thought I'd try it again.

The last time, I studied the picture for a full five (5) minutes.

I think this is joke someone is playing on me.

I'll be damned if I can see any Space Needle!

Just for laughs, try this test and see if you can find it.

Sex and Robotics

2008-01-27T20:19:00.000-08:00

In the future they say that man will become obsolete ...

that machines will do all the work of man...

ROBOT SECRETARY

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

Viagara - Generic?

2008-01-15T19:48:00.000-08:00

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Meat - It's What's For Dinner

2008-01-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

Garfield! First you eat all the lasagna ...

Now you're trying to take my girl friend?

The Best of "Dear Abbie"

2007-12-29T00:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars,cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!

You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

Must Have Been a Honey Bee!

2007-12-27T22:24:00.000-08:00

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

Been There, Done That

2007-12-17T20:21:00.000-08:00

DEJA VU

He stood before the rock formation and had the strangest feeling that he had been there before.

Baileys Irish Creme

2007-11-24T18:11:00.000-08:00

Baileys Irish Creme

Bring home a bottle for the holidays....

You never know when unexpected company shows up.

For the Ladies

2007-10-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !

Some More For the Ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied.. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
----------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you...."

-----------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-----------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
_____________________
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
-----------------------------------

Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

The "Toy" Salesman

2007-10-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

One day this guy comes to work at a dildo shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop. About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?" The guy says "30 bucks"

"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady. Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white" So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?" The man responds "30 bucks" She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"
"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.
So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?" The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks" Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that plaid one?" The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250" The blonde agrees and takes it.

Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?" The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and your thermos flask for $250!"

Bone Calls

2007-09-24T18:43:00.000-07:00

For those who have little ones in their family. Flip phones are NOT toys.

DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS

PLAY WITH FLIP PHONES!

A new study has revealed that flip phones have caused very serious side effects to the reproductive development of young children.

As the photo below shows, it can also lead to localized pain and discomfort.

Pass this on for the sake of all children, please.

Greatest Ass Contest - 2007

2007-09-09T18:50:00.000-07:00

How appropriate is that a blog with a title of "Suppository For the Soul" would be the first to obtain exclusive photos of the finalists for the 2007 Greatest Ass Contest?

MISS HAWAII

MISS TEXAS

And this year's winner....

MS NEW YORK

I understand it was unanimous!

(To return to the linked post you were reading CLICK HERE .

Looking For MISS Goodbar

2007-08-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

Talk About A Wardrobe Malfunction!

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

A Dog Named Sex

2007-08-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".
....I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
....He said, "I would like to have one too!"
....Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
....He said he didn't care what she looked like.
....I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
....He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

....When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
....I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
....He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
....I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
....The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
....He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
....I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
....The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
....He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
...."You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
....He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
....The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
....Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
....I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."
....The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

Hallmark Sends the Very Best

2007-08-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

Some cards that you'll never see Hallmark sell:

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the f_ _ _ was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'till I met you."

"As the days go by, everyday I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"Thanks for being part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take the knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday!You look great for your age.....Almost lifelike!"

"When we were together you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew that day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!!" (Available only in Kentucky!)

How To UNFOLD a Flag

2007-07-31T17:47:00.000-07:00

We always hear about how to fold a flag properly...

But, did anyone ever show you

how to unfold a flag properly ???

We have several patriotic holidays coming up.

This is important.

Make sure you take the proper steps

in the proper order...

Otherwise things don't come out right!

First: Locate Your Flag..

Second: Firmly Grasp the Edges

.... and Pull, Slightly....

Lastly...

Observe...

In

Quiet

Reverence....

Don't you feel a lot more patriotic?

The Man Must've Been a Sniper

2007-07-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to ‘relax’ him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

Don’t ya just love military time?

With Six You Get Eggroll?

2007-07-13T19:44:00.000-07:00

CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT.

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

2007-06-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRINKING

LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."

LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking, "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool."

LEVEL 5: Five in the morning after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor, ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!") you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell-at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five-the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?"
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

The BMW

2007-06-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

Cruising down the freeway...

A BMW with no A/C?

Well, it does have air bags.

What's this? She's married!

So am I !

What's so funny?

Liver and Cheese

2007-06-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says :

(ok this is good)

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Golf Instructions

2007-06-03T00:10:00.000-07:00

INSTRUCTIONS
(Thanks, Phil!)

I am told that this is an actual sign, posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF

The Purina Diet

2007-05-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in b oth arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.
So, I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting
in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from
laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.

Stupor Stars of D.C. - Act 3

2007-05-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

From the Land of Oz, this act will blow your mind. Won't you give a big round of applause and welcome to the stage, Peter,the "Aussie Thunder ! "

(Click on the arrow in the lower left corner of the image to start his performance.)

Create Your Own PaloozaHead -
Visit Lollapalooza.com

I daresay this will probably strain the diplomatic relations between the country of Australia and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. This might mean war, for I fear reprisal!

To see Act 1 of this star-studded show, CLICK HERE !

Stupor Stars of D.C. - Act 2

2007-05-05T18:40:00.000-07:00

Here is the second act.

Won't you agree that this song was a natural for Hillary?

(Click on the arrow at the low left corner of the image to start this rousing performance by one the real Stupor Stars of D.C.)

Create Your Own PaloozaHead -
Visit Lollapalooza.com

To see the first act CLICK HERE !

A Unified Party

2007-05-04T20:46:00.000-07:00

Warning! The following image may be too intense and disturbing to some.Proceed at your own risk!
:
:
:
:
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Be careful what you wish for, America!

(Thanks, Earl.)

Quiz Answers: "Inside the Box"

2007-05-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

The following are answers to the logic problems which can be found HERE .

-1) Mt. Everest (It didn't suddenly grow once it was discovered.)

-2) Only once. (After one subtraction, it becomes 20.)

-3) Four. (There are three misspelled words, thus making "five" incorrect.

-4) 40 degrees. (A rock cannot call through frozen water.)

-5) "Goo-goo" (Maybe Ma-ma or da-da? I wasn't there to know for sure.)

-6) Nine. ( 5 + 4 = 9 )

How did you do?

Name That Tune -( Answers)

2007-03-22T00:09:00.000-07:00

This list of song titles is the answer to a quiz appearing at Verbicidal Tendencies. You may want to click on that link to view and try the quiz.

These song titles are listed in the order of their appearance in "Name That Tune." How many did you find? Most of the songs are from my era, the 1960s, with a few from the 70s. The artists provided are the ones I remember recording these songs. Many of the songs have been covered by other artists over the years, in fact some of these are covers themselves of even older versions.

Your score:

If you found 10 or less - not so good;
20+ fair;
30+ good;
40+ excellent;
50+ impressive;
if you found all 60 - you should be writing the blog quizzes.

Bread and Butter (the New Beats)
Bottle of Wine- (Jimmy Gilmer & the Fireballs)
Sweet Cherry Wine-(Tommy James & the Shondelles)
Looking Out My Back Door -(Credence Clearwater Revival)
These Eyes- (the Guess Who)
Hazy Shade of Winter -(Simon & Garfunkle)
White Christmas -(Bing Crosby)
Spill the Wine- (Eric Burdon & War)
Knock on Wood- (Eddie Floyd)
White Room -(Cream)
Wouldn't It Be Nice -(Beach Boys)
Vacation- (Connie Francis)
Leaving on a Jet PLane- (Peter, Paul & Mary)
Montego Bay -(Mungo Jerry)
Sooner or Later -(Grass Roots)
No Matter What- (Badfinger)
Everybody- (Tommy Roe)
Five O'clock World- (the Vogues)
Everyday People- (Sly & the Family Stone)
Crazy -(Patsy Cline)
Daydream -(Lovin' Spoonful)
Because -(Dave Clark Five)
One- (Three Dog Night)
Get Ready- (Rare Earth)
Cherish -the Association)
Memories- (Barbara Streisand)
Let's Live For Today -(Grass Roots)
Kicks -(Paul Revere & the Raiders)
Go up Country- (Country Joe & the Fish)
Country Roads -(John Denver)
Whispering Pines -(Johnny Horton)
Bat Out of Hell -(Meatloaf)
The Long and Winding Road -(the Beatles)
Bridge Over Troubled Waters -(Simon & Garfunkle)
Pretty Woman - (Roy Orbison)
Glad All Over - (Dave Clark Five)
Downtown - (Petula Clark)
Get On Up- (the Esquires)
Stand By Me -(Ben E. King)
Come Together -(the Beatles)
Tuesday Afternoon- (the Moody Blues)
Runaway- (Del Shannon)
Magic -(Pilot)
Seasons in the Sun -(Terry Jacks)
A Hard Day's Night -(the Beatles)
Tossin' and Turnin' -(Bobby Lewis)
Whiter Shade of Pale -(Procal Harem)
Back Stabbers -(the O'Jays)
The Time of the Season -(the Zombies)
Go Now -(the Moody Blues)
Pushin' Too Hard -(the Seeds)
Tell It Like It Is -(Aaron Neville)
Precious and Few -(Climax)
Brandy -(Looking Glass)
Strawberry Wine -(Nancy Sinatra)
I Drink Alone -(George Thoroughgood)
Time Won't Let Me -(the Outsiders)
Dandy- (Herman's Hermits)
Time in a Bottle- (Jim Croche)
Always and Forever -(Heat Wave)

The Horse Race

2007-03-18T13:06:00.000-07:00

Horses Racing Today*

The lineup:

1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Smooth Thighs 8. Big Johnson 9. Heavy Bosom 10. Merry Cherry

And they're off!

Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry!

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Smooth Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top!

Smooth Thighs open up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Smooth Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly!

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson!

At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming!

At the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady taking everything Big Johnson has to offer!

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head!

Heavy Bosom weakens and Smooth Thighs pulls-up the rear.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.

*(Lifted from Miss Cellania)

Spectacular Vernacular (Answers)

2007-03-03T21:14:00.000-08:00

These are quiz answers! You shoulda been reading the questions over at this place first before cheatin' and lookin' at the answers.

From the post Spectacular Vernacular, located at Verbicidal Tendencies, you were given 10 proverbs that had been convoluted into into a Thesaurian nightmare. As promised, here are the original proverbs:

(1) A rolling stone gathers no moss.

(2) Too many cooks spoil the broth.

(3) They who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

(4) The early bird catches the worm.

(5) All is not gold that glitters.

(6) Waste not, want not.

(7) A fool and his money are soon parted.

(8) It's an ill wind that blows nobody good.

(9) Look before you leap.

(10) To err is human; to forgive divine.

If you were able to translate all ten of those, you have what it takes to be a member of the Verbicidal Tendencies team! Why haven't you applied?

Talking To The Walls

2006-07-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

This is part two of the story, to read the beginning Click Here.

Greene sat slumped on the sofa. He was questioning his very sanity at the moment. He was trying to analyze what was happening to him. He had turned the apartment upside down looking for wires, or anything electronic. There had to be a hidden microphone, maybe even a camera, somewhere in the place. It was the only thing that made any sense.

"Satisfied, Michael?" asked the disembodied voice. "This apartment is not bugged."

He groaned audibly and looked around the room. If someone were playing a cruel joke on him, they were damned clever.

"Care to talk, Michael?"

"No!" He shouted in defiance. "Leave me alone!"

He had resigned himself to the fact that he had to be suffering from delusions. He wasn't about to let the voice get the best of him. One thing however, was beginning to get under his skin. He was getting agitated by the formality of his invisible house guest.

He stood up and said, "...And stop calling me Michael!"

"It's your name, is it not?" replied the voice.

"Mike! Call me Mike!"

"Certainly. Mike it is!"

Greene sighed, "Now, what should I call you, asshole?"

"You can call me anything you wish. Just don't call me late for a haunting."

The man frowned, "So, now you're telling me you're a ghost?"

"There are no such things as ghosts. You know that."

....Greene wanted no part of this battle of wits. He knew that hidden somewhere within that apartment, there had to be some kind of sophisticated surveillance equipment. He was growing more and more concerned that the authorities were monitoring him. Could it be that someone wasn't certain he had nothing to do with the murder of his ex-wife?

"Okay, Casper...Why are you here? Why me?" He asked the wall before him.

"Like you, I'm leasing the place. I'm here...because...I am!"

"Swell," Greene said, "I get a ghost who thinks he's Descartes."

"Face it, Michael... ah Mike, we're room mates."

"Room mates? Then why don't you fork over your half of the rent, roomie?"

I'm afraid I don't carry cash. I don't even have pockets," Casper replied.

This was getting him nowhere. If it wasn't bad enough that he was carrying on a conversation with the walls, the fuckin' wall was a comedian...and a ghost! He had to get to the bottom of this insanity.

"Listen, Casper," he spoke calmly, "How do you know my name, anyway?"

"From the lease agreement, of course. You did sign one, didn't you? Everyone has to sign a lease."

Perspiration began to form on his furrowed brow. Yes, he had signed a lease agreement, but not under his real name. He had moved into this apartment under an assumed name - not as Michael Greene.

He darted to the front door and called out, "Stay right there! I'll be back."

"Great!" exclaimed Casper, "A room mate who thinks he's Arnold Schwarzeneggar!"

Greene's frantic rapping at the door was finally answered by his irritated landlord.

"Yes, Mr. Greene?" From the water dripping from his body, the disheveled hair and the towel wrapped around his body, it was apparent he had been in the shower.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Mr. Jensen," he said politely. "This will only take a moment of your time. Please?"

The landlord nodded but it was obvious that he was angry at the unannounced intrusion.

"This is going to sound strange," Greene began, "but can you tell who occupied the apartment before me?"

Mr. Jensen seemed startled by the question at first, but he answered it nonetheless. "It was a man by the name of John Hayes. It turned out that he was wanted in connection with a robbery and murder at a convenience store across town."

Greene drew in his breath and exhaled quickly, "Did they catch him?"

Jensen was clearly uncomfortable with the conversation. "Are you a cop or something?" he asked.

Greene shook his head.

"They...I found him...Dead in the apartment," he said forcibly. "They said he'd allegedly hung himself with an extension cord..." His voice trailed off.

Greene stood there, his arms folded across his chest. The landlord nudged him away from the doorway and said, "Look, I don't wish to discuss that terrible day any longer. It was six months ago. I'm trying to forget..."

Greene raised his hand, "It's okay. I understand. Once again, I'm sorry to have disturbed you." He turned to walk away.

"Why are you asking about him, anyway?" Jensen was looking through the crack of the open door.

"Just curious, Mr. Jensen. Just curious," he said over his shoulder.

The landlord had stepped out into the hallway, "You're writing a book! Aren't you?"

Greene smiled. Apparently the fifteen minutes of fame he'd gotten back then wasn't enough for the man. He stopped and turned to face him and replied, "Don't worry, I'll be sure to mention your role in the matter."

Back at his apartment he called out, "Hey Casper. You still here?"

"I have nowhere else to go," answered Casper.

"Listen, Casper, " Greene said, "Or would you rather I call you John? John, as in John Hayes?"

His question was answered with a deathly silence. The apartment seemed suddenly cold and empty. He looked at the wall in the living room and spoke again. "What's the matter, John? Nothing to say now?"

The voice sounded strained and unsure when it finally answered. "I'm somewhat relieved."

"How so?"

"They say that confession is good for the soul, Mr. Greene."

"Do they, Mr. Hayes?"

"Yes," said Hayes' voice. "I've often wondered, just who are they? Well, that doesn't really matter, does it?" After a brief pause, it spoke again, "I shot that man at the convenience store. I was desperate. I needed the scratch."

"Drug habit?" Greene interjected.

"No. It wasn't as simple as that. I needed the money to pay a detective's fee."

"Detective? Go on," he said to the voice.

"You see, Mr. Greene, I suspected my wife of cheating on me. I had to know. I wanted her followed. That detective didn't come cheap."

Greene thought for a moment and inquired, "Why didn't you just follow her yourself?"

...."Restraining order, Mr. Greene, restraining order. We were divorced. She got everything. Even the kids."

For a moment, Mike felt a pang of compassion for the voice and for the man it once was. The feeling passed quickly however, and he pressed Hayes further. "How did you end up here, in the walls of this apartment? How is it that you are here and in my head?"

"We cannot talk anymore, Michael."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Remember what I said before about confession being good for the soul? Take it to heart, Michael."

"Yeah, I remember," Greene answered, "But what's that got to do with me?"

"Goodbye, Michael. My lease has just expired."

Greene paced the floor for several excruciating minutes. The silence was almost deafening.

"Hayes?" he called out. There was no answer. "Are you there? Casper, where are you?"

It had been six months since the mysterious death of the man identified as one Michael Greene. His lifeless body was found wrapped in a shower curtain. The man had suffocated. It was the landlord, Mr. Jensen who had discovered the body and had called the police. Not unlike the time that John Hayes had apparently hung himself in the very same apartment, Jensen had once again found himself in the public eye. He had garnered himself another fifteen minutes of fame.

Miss Jennifer Martin was ecstatic to have found a vacant first-floor apartment near the waterfront. It was good to be in a new city. Seattle was behind her and on the other side of the country. She was home free.

She had covered her tracks brilliantly. The only person who could have possibly connected her with the embezzlement was her ex-lover. He had died however, from an apparent overdose of sleeping pills. She had a lot of money and was starting a new life. Her fortunes couldn't have been any better.

She placed the key into the lock and opened the door. It was a lovely apartment. She was going to like it here.

Michael stirred. Finally, he had a room mate.

"Welcome, Jennifer."

The Gender Side of Things

2006-06-15T19:43:00.000-07:00

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender
...Ziploc Bags are Male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
...Copiers are Female because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
...A Tire is Male because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
...A Hot Air Balloon is Male because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
...Sponges are Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
...A Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on.
...A Subway is Male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
...An Hourglass is Female because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
...A Hammer is Male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
...A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Ass Family

2006-06-02T23:20:00.002-07:00

Test

2006-06-02T23:20:00.000-07:00

Test